The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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