I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
