Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
