you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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