The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
