Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
