Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
