Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
