When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
