Apparently you make a good broom.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
