ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
