She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
