6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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