I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
