we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
