my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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