I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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