There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
my liver is dry heaving
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
