I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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