i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
