just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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