just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just cropdusted the office
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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