I met the friendliest cop last night
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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