so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Randomize
