im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
