maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
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