Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
