Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
