When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
