life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
