Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
