Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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