i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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