You're completely useless in the revolution.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
