I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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