I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
