I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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