I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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