Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
