Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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