was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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