Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
