There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
