U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
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I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
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lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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