Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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