his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
