You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
