im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
