I need help removing her.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Is it penis luge time yet?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
