I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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