Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.