i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
