how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
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His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?