Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
