Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
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Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
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You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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