I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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