There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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