I saw his package. It spoke to me.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
