I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
