I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
