My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Randomize
