Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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