Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
