Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
